Meander with me. I'm in one of those moods where I just need to dig through my thoughts a little bit. I always feel better when I've had a little wander.
When I first started writing this blog in those raw, early days, I told C about it. I asked her permission to make my thoughts public and she agreed, if everything was anonymous. I understand and respect that wish and I was delighted that she agreed this could potentially be a helpful resource to others. I told her she was always welcome to read everything I wrote, but until recently she hasn't.
The other day she finally sat down and read it. Most of it. She says she skipped the ones that looked boring. Definitely a teenager. She read for ages, coming up occasionally to breath or comment: "I didn't know that happened" or "Oh, I remember that!" She had questions: "Were you surprised by..." or "Now do you get it when...?".
Several hours later, as I cooked dinner, she hopped in to the kitchen (You can tell when C is excited or in a good mood -- she hops. She bounces about like Tigger, talks a million miles an hour and paces). "Mum, you know that blog 'Nocturnal Emissions?'"
"Yeah."
"Well, that never happened."
"What never happened?"
"You know." "You never had a wet dream?"
"Nope. I've never had one in my life."
"Then why did you tell me it did?!"
"Because I didn't want to do it."
"Ok. Fair enough. But listen. We are making medial choices for you every day based on things you tell us. If you're not being honest with us, we can make mistakes. It doesn't matter in this case -- and I suspect you knew that -- but we need honesty. Cool?"
"Cool. Sorry."
So, there's that. Not much more to say about it but it's been rattling around in my head.
Here's another thing I've been ruminating on:
C has now had the following partners:
A cis, het girl
A cis, gay boy who came out as trans so you can add...
A trans, gay girl
A trans, het boy
When she read my blog she said, But at the end of the day, who really cares. "You know when you wrote you wondered if I'd be attracted to boys or girls?"
"Yeah."
"Do you get it now?"
"Yeah."
The truth is, I was preoccupied by whatever parent-y thing I was doing and answered the rote parent answer when you're being interrupted for the eight gazzilionth time, but really, when I thought about it later, I realized I don't get it. Is she attracted to trans or queer folks? Is she attracted to boys or girls? Ah, hell, I think she's just attracted to folks. Whatever, whoever they are. I was a little worried about the constant string of boy/girlfriends there for a minute, but that seems to have passed. And I suppose successive relationships is a right of passage in a way so I'm happy she's finding people she wants to bond with. At the end of the day, who really cares who she loves. I just want her to love and be loved in return.
We're coming back up to swim suit season again. I wonder where this will take us. At least I'm prepared this year for the fact that I am a nutcase in this department.
As the parent of a trans kid, I am friend with lots of other parents of trans kids. We don't hang out in person, really, but I see them at support groups, when our kids get together and a whole lot of social media time is dedicated to online support groups. Sometimes, when I read so many heartbreaking stories about so many broken family and children, I feel guilty.
The multiple suicide attempts, the stays in residential mental health facilities, the hateful families that call Child Protective Services...
We are so fortunate. Sometimes I feel super overwhelmed by the position I find myself in, but then I think, it could be sooooo much worse.
Remember the crazy mum from Pride Prom? She has started attempting to use the correct pronouns and chosen name for her son. C is frustrated that she's not consistent but I told her to remember where that mum was just a few weeks ago. This is massive progress.
Sidebar: I am aware that some folks think the term "crazy" is ableist. I am 100% in favor of being an advocate but it's stuff like this that causes us to be labeled "liberal snowflakes." I do not intend insult to those with mental health issues -- in fact many folks in my family have mental health issues, many serious. I won't use the R-word, I plan events with access for wheelchairs, the hard of hearing, vision impairments, etc. I just don't know any good, acceptable phrases for indicating someone is a nut job...sorry...head case...sorry...wacko...sorry...loony...sorry...or flat out crazy. If you've got good (not pompous sounding) suggestions, please let me know.
I started a Facebook page so I could start sharing this blog publicly and often without worrying about it being connected to me or my family. I want to share our story more and keep transgender news stories front and center in people's minds. I've been growing the "page likes" steadily but they've all been friends so far. Today I got my first non-friend like. It's only been a few weeks so this feels like a little bit of progress to me. Yea. :)
Have you seen the Harry Potter movies? You know how Dumbledore uses his wand to extract his memories and places them in the Pensieve? That's how I feel about this blog. I'm pulling the thoughts out of my head and slapping them on to the page. Then you can stick your face in to the font and see how my brain works, if that's how you roll. Or read the blog. Whatever.
That's all I've got for today. Thanks for letting me empty my brain.