It's been a whirlwind few weeks since I last posted. I think when I'm not posting regularly, it's either because things are going so well or things are tricky enough to keep us occupied 100% of the time. This time it's been a rollercoaster of both.
We had a big milestone on Christmas Eve when C wore a dress out publicly for the first time (only her second dress ever) and she looked stunning. It was a simple grey sweater dress with a cowl neck which beautifully accented her newly developing body. Paired with charcoal grey leggings and black wedges, she looked classy and refined. The dangly silver earrings were the finishing touch. She looked stunning, and she knew it. Even the priest leaned over to her and whispered "You look STUNNING" in the middle of communion. C beamed from ear to ear that night. Her happiness and confidence shone through.
But fast forward to New Year's Eve and it couldn't have been more different. C has diagnosed OCD. Most of the time it is manageable but there are times when it is off the charts and completely paralyzes her. We knew it had been ramping up after Christmas, but this was the first indicator that it was out of control. The next few weeks have been a catalog of imagined stressors for her: her teeth are rotting, her teeth are too yellow, her voice is dropping, she's getting and adam's apple, she doesn't have any friends, her hair is breaking, the skin on her knuckles is too wrinkly (yes, that's a real one). None of these things are true but all of them feel so real to her.
They are so all consuming she will wake us up in the night, panicking about them and demanding an immediate solution. It's exhausting for her and for us. This is where she was before she came out to us and we haven't seen this level of panic since then. I've often used that fact as an example of how much happier and healthier she is as C, as opposed to J. We knew her OCD wasn't gone - she'll always have it, but we'd hoped the worst was behind us.
On New Year's Day my husband and I realized this was going to be C's first full year as C. This is really a banner year - all of her documents have been changed, she's looking very feminine and for all intents and purposes, she is living as a girl (well, she always been a girl, we just didn't know it. But you know what I mean). But I'm worried about this resurgence of OCD-with-a-vengeance. She's convinced she has an adam's apple (she doesn't even have a hint of one), her finger nails aren't perfect (whose are?), her hair is breaking (nope, it's growing out and it's a kind of funny shape), her voice is too deep (it's higher than mine), and she can't sing nicely (sorry kid, seems you got my genes in that department). I hate to think we're returning to the days when she's feeling suicidal and struggling to make it through every day. I want to think that 2017 will be the year she gets to live fully and happily as the girl she is, but I know more than ever, that her mental health will always be an issue for her and all we can do is love and support her through it. Our job is to ensure as many barriers as possible are removed so she can live a healthy, happy life.