Before we ever knew we had a daughter, my husband and I considered ourselves allies. We spoke up for the disenfranchised, the bullied, the marginalized. We took unpopular stances on controversial issues. We stuck our necks out even when it might jeopardize friendships. We had empathy for those mistreated by society. But I had no empathy for those who were doing the mistreating.
I could not begin to comprehend how a mother could kick her child out of the house because of their gender identity (and I use "their" in the singular sense, honoring the non-binary among us). I could not fathom refusing to accept that changing my child's name could truly change his or her life for the better. I was unable to understand that a parent's faith might inform how he or she handled a child coming out to the extent that the child was made to feel hated. I had no empathy for those I viewed as hateful, themselves.
Even as an über liberal parent, when my child came out to me, it was like I'd been hit by a 2x4 upside the head. It was not simply the exceedingly difficult task of processing that my son was actually my daughter. It was intense guilt for all the signs I missed over the years. It was fear for the struggles she would inevitably have and the genuine dangers she might face. And my faith does not tell me that being transgender is wrong. My faith does not condemn LGBTQIA+ as weird or wrong or sinners. How on God's green earth could someone who had been taught that this was cause for condemnation ever begin to accept and understand it? How could people who genuinely, truly, 100% believed that being transgender would condemn a person to hell stand by a watch as their loved ones went down this path? If I thought my daughter was making a decision that would ultimately lead to her death, you bet your ass I would try to stop her. If I thought she was in with a crowd who were influencing her negatively and taking her in to a dark world of danger, I would do everything in my power to stop her. I believe that is how some parents see this situation. There are communities who thrive on fear, whose social mores
are bound to a binary view of the world. Looking from the outside in, before my daughter came out, it was easy for me to say "They're just closed-minded bigots" and, indeed, to a certain extent I stand by that. But, I am now able to see that their bigotry is not necessarily a choice or an easy habit to break. I see it as a much more complex set of beliefs and influences.
If, as a self-confessed liberal, I struggled with my child's coming out, I have to have empathy for the parents who are not liberal. Whose world views tell them their children are in danger and being influenced by dark and dangerous forces. I have to show grace for the "hateful."
The greatest gift I have received on this journey, is the gift of empathy.