As far back as I can remember, I wanted kids. I had a vision of three boys to fit with my tom boy lifestyle. I didn't want to have to deal with ruffles and girly things - I was afraid I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do. I was overjoyed each time, in the delivery room, when I heard those words "It's a boy!"
My husband wanted a girl so badly. A little daddy's girl for him to dote on and who would idolize him, and I always felt a little bit of guilt when people said, "Are you going to try for that girl?" First of all NO. But secondly, way to make him feel like he's missed out on his dreams, people. I got my wish and became mum to three gorgeous boys. I've never felt like the Queen in a household of boys, as so many people suggest when they hear I'm a "Boy Mom." But I do embrace that Boy Mom status. There's a camaraderie between mums surrounded by boys, whether real or imagined, we share something. In conversations with mums of girls, they'd often say "Girls are so much trickier than boys. There's just so much drama." I'd respond, "I don't know about that, our oldest is every bit the drama queen your daughters are." And boy, was that the truth. C has always been a drama queen. In fact, she was so dramatic early on, she earned the nickname "The Drama" from her brothers. Aside from her interests, which are neither typically male or female -- mostly just geeky -- she has always struck me as being more feminine, I just couldn't put my finger on that. I don't mean that she's "fey," if you will, but rather that she has the ability to talk for hours and hours on in-depth and philosophical topics. Her moods swing wildly and she is quick to cry or storm off. She will debate black and white, she wants to work a problem out completely before letting something go. Maybe these aren't more typically cis female traits, but they are certainly more aligned with me than with her dad. So, looking back now at conversation after conversation, incident after incident, I can now view them with different lenses. I can now see that C was always C. Yesterday I came across a family photo taken in October, just six months before C came out to us. It is one of my favorite photos we've ever take as a family and I just haven't got it up on the wall yet. There I was, smiling in the sunshine, surrounded by my boys. I felt my heart give a little jump. My Boys. I can't say that any more. It's not the catch-all for husband and children.
I have to stop myself at least twice a day from saying "Can you call the boys for dinner" or "I'm just taking the boys out," or whatever it might be. I'm having to make a really conscious effort to change from The Boys to The Kids and somehow I'm finding it even harder than changing from J to C and from him to her. Maybe it's because it was a collective noun that represented the whole family unit? What does that make me now? I'm no longer a Boy Mom. I'm out of the club. As much as I love C and her new love for herself, I'm finding that I'm actually really sad not to be a Boy Mom any more. I feel a bit like I'm on the outside looking in at my old life, my old club. Trying to peer through the grimy windows at all the other Boy Moms laughing and chatting. Where are all the Trans Moms? Do you guys want to start a club? I'm kind of lonely.