What's in a name? It turns out - a lot. While it is becoming more natural to refer to our child by her new name, it still feels as if we're playing pretend in some ways. We didn't have a say in this new name. We didn't get to pour over baby name books, try it out with different middle names and tag our last name on to it. We didn't get to imagine every possible taunt that might stem from this name and try to avoid the pitfalls associated. We didn't get to name our child. That seems unfair.
While we know that C is still the same child with the same interests - OUR child - we find ourselves mourning the name, somehow. I'm not sure if it's mourning of the boy, per se, but all the things associated with that former name. I haven't changed her name in my phone. I haven't let all her care providers know that she will be going by her new name. I'm dragging my feet on learning about legal name changes. It's not because I am embarrassed or in denial. It's partially because I have been told, repeatedly, that her name is likely to change again as she transitions more and develops more fully in to her real self. But mostly, it just seems so FINAL.
I know that erasing the name we gave our child at birth does not mean anything, really. But it does. It just does.