When C first told me she was trans, she also explained that she was still attracted to girls. So, in her mind, she was essentially a lesbian. Our therapist explained that, with time, that may well change. As C got further and further in to her transition, and especially once she started on female hormones, we could expect her attraction to girls to fade and a newfound attraction to boys to develop. We laughed when he told us to expect some experimentation - all bets were off, as far as what we should expect!
The other day, C confided that she was beginning to find boys attractive. As she said, "You know how I've had crushes on boys before...?" Ummm, no. I had no idea, but ok. At any rate, it seems that she has managed to convince herself over the years that she found girls attractive when, in fact, it was more a case of finding them attractive because she wanted to BE one, not because she was physically/sexually attracted TO them, per se. As she unravels her life as a boy and knits together this new identity as a girl, she is learning more and more about herself, including the fact that she's actually attracted to boys. Like, really attracted. The kind of skin-flush, blood-rush, goggle-eyed attraction most teenagers have that has, thus far, been elusive for our oldest. She has confided in me that she thinks it may be time to break up with her girlfriend - the one who has stood by her through this rough time; through "The Confession." And she's heartbroken. She doesn't want to hurt her girlfriend, whom she adores. Their friendship is so sweet and there is so much love between them, but C now knows it's not "love-love," just friendship love.
In the meantime, there's a boy. A boy who knows that C is trans and accepts it. A boy who tells her she's pretty and clever and funny. And this boy seems to get it - that C cannot just cheat on the girlfriend and isn't pressuring her to do so. C wants to break it off with her girlfriend in person (meanwhile, the girlfriend's mum tells me the girlfriend, herself, may be reaching the same conclusion), but until she can make arrangements to do that, she's been hanging out with The Boy. They have not kissed, I am assured. She respects her girlfriend too much.
Today I received a string of panicked texts from C at school. She was beginning to stress about dragging The Boy along while still officially with The Girlfriend. The pressure was too much.
"Mum, I'm starting to think I should take a break from dating altogether. I'm kind of freaking out. I want to do the right thing but I don't know what that is. I hate myself. It's too much stress. I feel like I'm going to screw everything up."
Man - what teenager hasn't felt that way?
"I don't know what to do. I'm scared. There are rumors going around, and I don't know. I don't know. I want to scream and cry and I feel so horrible."
My response: "What rumors? Why are you scared? Has something happened with [The Boy]?"
"No. People are being dumb. But it doesn't matter. I just can't."
"Are people being hateful?"
"I don't know. They say we are cheating. Just [The Boy's] friends. I just don't want to deal with it. I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions. I don't think I'm in the right state of mind to make these kind of decisions. Mum, I'm just depressed."
"I understand. You need to be true to yourself. I agree that maybe there's too much going on for your mind to be in the right place. Don't commit to anything just yet. You'll get through this. Relationships are tricky."
"Should I tell [The Boy] that I just can't right now?"
"That's got to be up to you. Don't let this spoil your last day of middle school. You know you're a good person. Make your decisions accordingly."
"What about [The Girlfriend]?"
"I think you still need to talk to her...you can explain your head isn't in a good place for a relationship right now and you need some time to be alone. Don't do it today, though." (The Girlfriend has a big event today).
"Ok."
"I love you and I'm proud of you and your integrity and spirit."
After school, C came up to me beaming and gave me a huge hug. "I told [The Boy]," she whispered. "How did it go?" "Great!" she smiled. "He said that he understood and didn't want to pressure me and that he'd wait until the time was right for me."
I couldn't be happier for the head on my daughter's shoulders and for the people she chooses to surround herself with. She's a good egg, that one.