This journey we find ourselves reluctantly taking is sometimes so overwhelming. I can't see the whole picture - it's just too big - so I focus in on one tiny aspect, hence this weekend's obsessions with swimsuits. After all my research and preparation over the weekend, I finally got the chance to ask C what she wants to do about a suit. Her answer? "I think I'll just wear trunks and a swim shirt." I had invested hours on finding a wide selection of options for trans girl swim suits and she just wants to wear what she's always worn. Moments like these test me.
Why the swimsuit thing became so big in my head, I can't say. Maybe because it's something tangible I can fix now. I could help her choose a suit. I could order a suit. That's something ticked off my list. But when she comes up with an answer I'm not expecting, it forces me to remember this thing is fluid for her, too. Just because she's a girl, does not mean she has to change all her style choices and preferences. And I know that. It doesn't mean she even knows what she wants. She knows what she doesn't want - to be a boy - but defining how she will look and behave as a girl is much more nebulous. I worry about the fact that she keeps telling me she can't wait for summer so she can start transitioning properly and in the next breath says she doesn't want to come out until she's "fully formed." I don't want her setting herself up with unrealistic expectations.
I have reminded C gently that hormones take years to work - once she's even old enough to have them - and that there are many things we can do before that point to help her. There are padded bras and swim tops, we can get her eyebrows waxed and her ears pierced. Even switching to "girl cut" t-shirts rather than boy tees will help. Last night she mentioned that things will be easier when she starts school and her hair is long. I had to explain that hair only grows 1/4 to 1/2 inch a month so her hair will not be much longer than it is now. She was so disappointed - she'd been thinking she'd have at least chin length hair in three months time and that would make transitioning so easy. It's so hard to balance supporting her dreams and bringing her back to reality.
Last night, C explained to me why she wanted to wear t-shirts and shorts to swim. She said, "I was talking to Jordan* and he helped me figure out why I want to wear shorts for swimming. I'm just not comfortable with my body yet so I don't want to see it." Ok, now I get it! This is about dysphoria. I was thinking she just wanted to stick with her old trunks and swim top. "NOW I can help you!" I exclaimed. We sat down and looked at loads of different styles of swimming costumes - the flounce tops designed to disguise a flat chest, custom made bikini bottoms that mask genitalia, skirts and swim shorts, girl cut swim tops, etc. I was able to show her that there are loads and loads of options out there that will still cover what she wants to cover, show off what she wants to show off and help her find just the right thing to be comfortable.
Parenting is tricky on the best of days but parenting a trans teen through transition is easily the hardest thing we've ever done. I find myself trying to walk the fine line between making her do things she doesn't want to do (because that's what parents do), and realizing when we need to let something go. Between encouraging her to be realistic and setting her sights high. Making her talk about things she doesn't want to and focusing on the future. We are ever mindful that everything we say can be a potential trigger or create a scar unintentionally. Our greatest hope is that our support will help C embrace who she is and help her know that she is loved and we are so lucky that she is ours. Parents screw up - we all do - but if we can continue to push this message to her, I think we're doing ok.
*Jordan's name has been changed to protect him.