Our first counseling session. A huge milestone. My husband, J and I visited a counselor who specializes in helping trans people, especially children and teens, and their families. J and his dad were dreading it, properly dreading it. For J, I suspect it was a mixture of talking to a stranger about his very personal story and probably some trepidation about what his recommendations would be. For his dad, I think it was a bit more to do with facing this thing head on. It was about opening up to the reality that this is the new normal. For my part, I was nervous but excited. I was ready to talk to someone who could give us information, who wouldn't need explanations and convincing.
We found the quiet, discreet offices tucked away in a professional complex and met our new counselor, a delightful man with a calm and reassuring demeanor. He met with all three of us to explain how he came in to this specialty, how he is involved in the trans community in our city and to get the background of our family. Then he asked us to give him some time with J. We couldn't hear what was being said but we could hear conversation and laughter - a great sign, considering I wasn't even sure if J would say a word.
After about 20 minutes, we swapped and went in for our session. Our counselor walked us through where J is in this process and what steps are next. We talked about hormones: J is already well in to puberty but not so far that his voice has dropped completely; he has no chest or facial hair yet and his features are still quite delicate. We are so fortunate to have an amazing pediatrician who made a referral to a pediatric endocrinologist immediately so we already have an appointment to discuss hormone blockers in about a month (I wish it was sooner!). After this appointment we would also have a letter of "diagnosis," informing the endocrinologist that J has seen a counselor and the counselor confirms gender identity disorder, smoothing the way for hormones.
In the U.S., we are told, it is the norm to put kids on hormone blockers to prevent the furthering of puberty after they have reached Tanner Stage 2. J is just past this point, pushing in to stage 3, so we don't want to wait longer. The standard in this country is that no hormone therapy other than blockers can be given until 16. J is now 14.5 years old. The good news, our counselor said, is that many endocrinologists are starting to push that back to 15. When the case is clear cut and the patient is 100% of his/her decision, the doctor may proceed earlier. Our counselor thought that might be a good possibility for J - music to his ears! I must admit I'm concerned about the costs associated, and whether our insurance will cover any of it at all, but I sort of have to push that to the back of my mind.
https://www.transactiveonline.org/resources/youth/puberty-blockers.php
For now, J is still attracted to girls but we talked about how, once he starts gender therapy hormones, that might change. Apparently, a large proportion of those who identify as gay trans individuals actually end up preferring the opposite sex to their own identified gender. Not always, but it's a possibility.
That was an interesting piece of information I hadn't come across yet. So, basically, the counselor said to expect experimentation. I laughed - at this stage nothing is going to surprise us!
After covering hormones, we went on to the practical, every day aspects of J's life as a female going forward. J will be finishing middle school in just a few weeks. That provides the perfect opportunity to reinvent himself for high school. He can enter his new school with a new name, a new look and a new life. While it's unlikely that his name and sex will be legally changed by then, we can hope that starting out in this way will help him with his peers. We can work toward legal name change (and the counselor recommends getting a lawyer to have the judge seal the records so that J can make the decision as to who knows his past) and changing his birth certificates, etc going forward. We have a unique challenge because J was born abroad and so we will need to change two birth certificates, one is actually a consular report of birth abroad, so we have a lot of research to do. The counselor recommended ensuring J takes his college entrance exams with his new name and make sure the legal name change is completed by the time he applies for university. That will mean he will go on to the next stage of his life with no clue of history, making it easier for employment, etc. when the time comes. We left the appointment feeling more empowered. We felt as if there was more of a road map laid out before us, knowing what we need to research and how this journey might play out.
Our first appointment was out of the way and we all breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't that bad! My husband survived, my child survived and I was able to relax a bit. With thoughts of research, procedures and "to do" lists running through my head, my head was swimming. We decided to grab a quick dinner out to chat with J before getting back to the other kids. J was buzzing. He asked when he could get his hair cut and we told him we'd already discussed that - we'd go after dinner. Oh, the smile and excitement on his face!
Armed with a photo of a female movie star with short hair, we hit the salon for the first step of his transformation. The beauty of the haircut is that he chose one that is not overly feminine so it will serve to help him protect his "secret" for the rest of the school year and allow him to re-emerge after the summer as his female self. After the hair cut, he begged to get earrings. C and I had already discussed that we'd make him wait until school is out to do that. Not because we're concerned with what anyone will say, but because of the care required. J is not known for voluntary hygiene so we thought it would be better to get the piercing done when our schedule is less hectic and we can be sure he is taking care of them properly. But, magnetic crystal studs did the trick and he beamed at his new reflection. I must admit I hadn't realized how little J had been smiling lately until I saw that grin spread across his face.
The counselor had recommended a few videos to start watching with our younger children to begin building empathy for the issues transgender kids face. So, after the hair cut and earrings, we settled in at home with J's younger brothers to watch the first episode of I Am Jazz - A Family in Transition. While Jazz's story is not the same as J's - her family recognized that she was trans from a very young age - it was really great to see a family facing the same issues we are and will be facing - hormone blockers, prejudice, bullying, etc. - and thriving regardless. The younger boys had no idea this was an introduction of what's to come, and were initially a little confused by the subject matter, but by the end of the show they were yelling "that's not fair!" at the television when Jazz faced a challenge, or "they should just leave her alone." I was buoyed by their reactions and hope that, as we continue watching, it will become the backbone for what we are about to tell them.
Yesterday was exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. I know we have so many more days like that to come but I feel that, as soon as the other boys are "in on it" we can really begin to move forward as a normal family, supporting each other along the way. I am so proud of J and his dad. I am so hopeful for the future, even as I'm also terrified for what J faces. I am overwhelmed in every possible sense of the word. But, we're moving forward every day, a little at a time. That's all we can do. But if we can do it with smiles on our faces most of the time, I think we're doing it right.