I'm finding it harder and harder to keep this from my husband. I would never break J's confidence and tell someone without his permission - he's just not ready for the big reveal yet. I have tried to respond in non-committal ways to questions C asks or redirect to something else, but it's getting harder.
J made a friend last year at camp who was a lesbian. He was very close with her and during one of our many conversations over the last few days, he mentioned that he might call her to talk about coming out. I asked him if she was trans and he said he suspected she was. At our house, mobile phones and electronics are a no-go after 8:30pm, so when he was still on his phone at 9:15, I called him out. "Put it away, J, it's past time." "But mum, it's Lizzy.*" I gave him a nod and told him to take it up to his room. He'd been trying to find a time they could talk all day with no luck and I knew this was important. C looked at me. The other two boys looked at me. All of them questioning why I blatantly let him break the rules. I covered with a story about how he hadn't seen her in so long and it was a one-off, which is true, but...
How long can I keep it going? The guilt I feel for keeping this from J's very loving and involved dad is killing me. I want to celebrate who J is becoming with him. I want him in on these sneaked conversations about growing his hair out and how he will dress and who he will trust to tell. I want to share this monumental news! But I can't. This is not my story to tell. I am along for the ride with my brave kiddo - the one who has hidden his true identity. The one who discovered a name for how he felt three years ago in the back of a magazine on an airplane. The one who has woken me countless times over the years to tell me he had something important to say but then cut the conversation short. This is his story and I will respect his right to tell it where and how he chooses. The good news is J and Lizzy had a great talk about struggles and coming out and what to expect. I was sad to hear that Lizzy's parents are not supportive of her true self and she is not allowed to be publicly the boy she truly is. I am grateful that our J will not face that at home from any of our family members and I know that those we're hiding it from will forgive and forget immediately when they get to see how much happier J is becoming through this process (C even mentioned last night how he's seen such a change in him - he just attributes it to other things). I just can't wait to share this wonderful news!
*Lizzy's name has been changed to protect her identity.