"Mum, if I don't tell you this right now
I'm afraid I'll never have the courage."
When J was little, I often wondered if he was gay. There was nothing specific; no telltale sign in his voice or behavior, but I always felt there was something different and special about him. Of course every mother identifies all the different and special things about their own children but I just had this tugging feeling that there was more.
A few years ago, J began watching a program about Mermaids. Something more typically suited to prepubescent girls. I have never expected my kids to stick to gender norms - how outdated and boring! - but I must admit I was baffled by his fascination with this show. That is, until I realized he was pausing the show every time the girls came out of the water. Wet, with swimsuits clinging to their bodies, these mer-girls were adolescent porn for my son. Ahhh...ok, so he's straight after all.
Over the next few years, J seemed to develop as you would expect any teenage boy to develop. His room is forever a mess, getting him to shower takes nothing short of an act of God, he's sarky and quirky and wonderfully weird. He's a typical self-proclaimed geek: he loves anime, plays Zelda like it's not on it's 80th incarnation, draws manga constantly, wears high water trousers and thick-rimmed black glasses. And he has a girlfriend. A delightful girl who shares all his interests and with whom he can chat for hours.
J's midnight confession to me just a few days ago, has changed everything and nothing. I do not love my child any less. In fact, it has brought us closer. I have such admiration for the strength he has shown carrying this secret completely on his own for at least three years and suddenly things come in to focus. J is a trans lesbian. He is a biological boy* born in to the wrong body. He is still attracted to girls but feels that he is a girl himself. That's a helluva thing for one kids to handle on his own! I now understand his gravitation to lesbian girls. I understand now why he has been such a fierce advocate for LGBTQ issues (something my husband and I feel very strongly about but his ferocity on the issues is unusual for a straight kid his age), I realize that the many times he's started a private conversation with me and then cut it off suddenly were aborted attempts to tell me about his truth.
So, here I am, researching trans teens. I'm learning new terminology, getting familiar with the library at the local equality center and finding out about support groups in our red state. There is a long road ahead and I have no idea what it will bring for my amazing child, but I know it will be hard. I am honored he has trusted me to be the first person to know and thrilled to learn he has since reached out to a very close friend and told his story, as he begins the journey to "going public." I worry about what he faces down the road. I worry that his dad will be hurt by not being included from day one. I worry how our other two sons will react with the revelation, though I have zero doubt that our family will accept J for who he is and who he becomes.
I have decided to blog about this adventure to help myself process, to document the journey for our family and to help other teens and parents who may one day be on the same adventure we are. Here we go...!
*A year on, I now know that this is an exclusionary term. My child is biologically a girl and has always been, but was "assigned male at birth."